you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
