No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize