one word: firstdatebathroomanal
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
we're making bets on your personal life
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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