My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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