I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
