I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
