so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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