can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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