She is in my trunk
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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