Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
