Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
don't judge my taste in strippers
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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