Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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