Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
