Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
