I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
