Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
