Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
