Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
