it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
