dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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