He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
