I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
