When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
