Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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