They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
