Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
