Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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