I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Randomize