dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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