I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
