Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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