I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
