the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
