you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
