ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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