He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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