You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
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