i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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