i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Randomize
