I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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