So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
