we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
