Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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