Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
