i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
why do cheetos always look like penises
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
