i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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