you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just took my morning after pill in the library
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
