Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize