A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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