I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Randomize
