Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
