Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
