____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize