Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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