was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
