It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
