Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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