seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
