are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
