Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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