im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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