I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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