I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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